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Daria

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[13 Feb 2009|04:40pm]
[ mood | happy v day bitchess ]

what is a relationship?? define it for me

i looked it up in the dictionary and its not there..the only word thats there is 'relate' which is a verb and means to be connected by blood or marriage, the noun form of which is relationship.

we've been discussing this over sometime and noone can give me a definition of a relationship. like what is it really, what is the behavior of the people in it..their attitudes, feelings?? i dont think anyone knows

its is assumed after you've been sleeping with someone for seven and a half months the girl is going to bring up this topic of "well where are we going?" and thats how the relationship starts. the guy sits and says things like "ahem" and "i guess" and -grunt- and then suddenly it is official. do they send cards out or something?

i think the reason women bring this conversation up in the first place is because they're bored. after a while the sex and mindless dinner dates get boring. and lets be honest here, sex with a guy who blindly agrees to a "relationship" for fear of losing free sex is not that exciting in bed to begin with. the real problem that women fail to see is that the guy himself is boring, the situation is boring, and jumping into a relationship isn't going to change that

when they become "in a relationship" it is something new to do involving this previously dubious guy...even if its just changing your facebook status. you now have a boyfriend = permanent date! and even a different form of security, some sort of perverse assumption that now that your myspace says 'in a relationship' you got this guy for good. what is a relationship a guarantee of? just because you are in 'this word' does it mean that if something good comes along you won't take it? you won't cheat? you won't realize you made a mistake? of course you will.

i think this is the same reason people get married. in an effort to make it better..make things better. women think, 'oh once we're married he will change his mind'...and then its 'oh once the baby comes he will grow up, be mature.' but none of it is true is it? marriage isn't a guarantee and certainly isn't a way out of a crummy engagement, which isn't a way out of a crummy dating situation.

there are people who are friends, people who are attracted to each other, and people who are in love..(then of course there are people who hate each other, but hopefully they're not together). we can all define friendship, attraction, and love; surely all in our own ways, but everyone has a concrete definition for these things. what is a relation then? is a relationship just two people who have relations? that sounds absolutely ridiculous. let alone undesirable.

we all know how to be friends, we dont come up to our friends and say, "you have to be my friend only!!" because it is not appropriate. and we know that if someone wants to be our friend, they will be. we all know how it feels to be attracted to someone, and how it feels when that person is attracted to us, and how it feels when they're not. i think attraction either turns into love, or it just ends. and when it ends for one person but not the other, the other person feels the need to hold on tighter, and starts pitching all this commitment on other people. which in a way pushes them even further away.

it is in human nature to want to hold on to something that is slipping away, and both men and women do this. the only thing to do when someone doesn't want to be in your life anymore is to let them go. no point in holding on to someone like that, and why? desire, not beauty, is what makes people go crazy...if there is no desire, beauty just reminds you of it.

if you have attraction, it's great, and if the other person is attracted to you then nothing is better. it is what it is...we don't need to put a label on it because we know it. if anyone has ever looked at you with that smoldering gaze..you know, THAT look..there are no words to define it. commitment is something that is necessary to say only if you cant feel it. and if you have love, then there really is no need to make promises, or 'have talks' because everything has been said..and without words

i have never had this relationship bullshit, and people say i don't know what love is. quite contrary, i know exactly what love is, precisely because i haven't had it 5 times in my life already

"A loving relationship is one in which the loved one is free to be himself -- to laugh with me, but never at me; to cry with me, but never because of me; to love life, to love himself, to love being loved. Such a relationship is based upon freedom and can never grow in a jealous heart." – leo buscaglia

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serendipity [17 Jan 2009|05:00pm]
who believes in it?

serendipity is the concept of finding something that you really want and that is great - while looking for something else entirely

it makes whatever we are looking for appear so miniscule to what we just found. especially when this theory is used in science; many scientists have made great discoveries while trying to prove something completely different.

this theory seems to be a great thing to stumble upon in real life. but does it exist? lets say you are looking for someone you used to know, an old friend or something but in the process find someone new that makes all those searches not necessary.

is there anyone with me on this who thinks that when you're looking for something particular there is nothing that can come in your way and change your mind about what you want? i dont think the concept of serendipity exists for persistent people. when we are so hell-bent on finding what we're looking for, being side tracked isnt an option, and anyone else we meet is pushed to the side.

another question i have is, is serendipity a natural part of life, and do the presistent people sometimes let good things slide away because they are so concerned on finding what they are looking for? or is it that in the desperation of searching for something, finding anything seems satisfactory?

i ask because there are people who are always searching, who believe what they have now is not good enough and look for something or someone else. how come serendipity never comes in handy for these people? they never find what they need while looking for something else.

i watched the movie serendipity to try and figure this concept out. but all i got was a bunch of happenstance, which made me wonder about that itself...i am a huge fan/believer of happenstance, or the butterfly effect, which basically says that (aside from the mathematical crap) tiny events and occurences can alter huge outcomes. it makes the small people feel special, kind of like, hey! any small thing you do can change the world.

happenstance makes us feel like even forgetting something and coming back for it is an event that can ultimately change yours or someone else's life. and it always leads me to think, if something is meant to be, then every little event is already planned out, and every tiny mishap in our lives happens to make what was meant to be a reality. god must be exhausted

but is it real? in serendipity the movie, they keep missing each other by seconds but is that how it actually happens in real life? if we cant see ourselves from the side, how do we know that the person we are meant to meet has just walked out and we missed them by a second. and if we can never see our lives through a third person view then how do we know that happenstance actually exists...

i always say to people who are unsatisfied with their life that the biggest punishment is knowing what might have been. if we knew the way things may have turned out had we not done something we will torture ourselves forever. so maybe happenstance exists or maybe it doesnt, the moral of this entry is that whatever we believe in will always prove itself true to us because its ours. and maybe its good we cant see ourselves from the side...but if my hair looks bad i'd appreciate if someone told me
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love, actually [12 Dec 2008|05:48pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

some boring statistics that i - to be perfectly honest - do not understand:

the divorce rate in the united states has peaked in the 1980s at almost 5.3 of 1,000 people getting a divorce, but by 2005 has gone down to 3.5 per 1,000. however, marriage was the norm in the 70s and 80s, with nearly nearly 12 out of 1,000 people getting married. with the statistics in 2005 stating only 7.8 of 1,000 are getting married. still, the current divorce rate is the lowest it has been in 30 years, which kind of states that things are looking up. according to CNN this is only true for more college educated, affluent couples who are waiting to get their life on track and have careers before getting married.

well this is all fine and dandy..but here is my take on why divorce is such a popular aspect of our culture (US being the country with the highest divorce rate). people are getting married for the wrong reasons. i think a lot of marriages are used as security, especially for women. we think, oh i have a husband, i no longer need a date for anything..i have a permanent date! and it is very tempting to fall for this factor, since women are almost always judged by their men (or lack there of).

this one writer, as great as she is, wrote a book about how we pass over potential "good" marriage partners for an imaginary prince charming. we are so infatuated with the idea that we will meet our dream man - the perfect guy, that we refuse to date perfectly good people because they are not that guy

well im sorry but i couldn't disagree more. what is a "good marriage partner" anyway? is that the whole point of our life, to find a good marriage partner? how about finding someone you want to share your life with..poached orange roughy anyone?

im sure there are other things some of us aspire to do in life. travel, have a fulfilling career, great friends, meaningful conversations. all these things can be achieved without a perfect marriage partner.

my life does not require a husband to be worth living. women are always portrayed in society as helpless without a man, so i believe they just settle for one when its "about that time." for me it is a different story. i love boys. i love having a crush. and i would love to have a man that i love. but i certainly do not need one right this minute to be happy.

do we reject people because we are infatuated with an imaginary white-horse riding man? thats what the author of the book says. or maybe people just dont feel the need to settle for something sub-par. people always tell me that i dont know what i want. but quite the contrary, i know exactly what i want and it may be hard to find, but that doesnt mean i cant keep looking.

he probably doesnt exist...or maybe he just has a truck with georgia plates.

this brings me to the subject of depressing love songs. the ones about i love _____, but _______ doesnt love me. they seem so fitting to your life, but actually the story is as follows: jimmy loves me but i love bobby, bobby doesnt love me but sleeps with me anyway cuz he figures what the hell might as well get some ass out of it, jimmy on the other hand is not getting any at all. he writes a song about how he loves someone that doesnt love him back. i hear the song and think OMG thats exactly how i feel about bobby!! and i picture bobby singing it to me, but the sad reality is, jimmy is singing it to me and i secretly detest him for it.

the only solution to crap love songs is "mojo workin" by muddy waters.
got my mojo working/
but it just dont work on you!
a perfect non-depressing way to say exactly the same thing.

in life you can do two things...nag your bobby till he asks you to marry him, or settle for your jimmy.

of course, despite everything i still believe we have soulmates and people we will meet who will be on the same page with us. we may or may not be in love with them, but we will both want the same thing at the same point in time. and THAT, my friends, is what will make the relationship work...not qualities that make a "good marriage partner"

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[17 Nov 2008|10:41pm]
[ mood | wondering ]

so i have been doing some more backing up this data onto a computer and i've found something that i believe may or may not be a coincidence

over the past few years the month of november has been really significant for me.

i dont know why, but i've had some of my major realizations and epiphanies during this month, some of my biggest changes have happened over this month..as a matter of fact, some of the worst nights of my life have been in this month.

april is another one of them, which is, incidentally, 6 months away from november. does the devil have something to do with this?

three years ago in the early days of november i have really chosen to change my life...i have also written some of the most hilarious (even personality-defining) journal entries. they were quite good

i decided that i am no longer going to live the way ive been carrying on. constantly stressed and worried about my life. what was most important was my dedication to admit what i feel to myself and slowly work past it. i keep this promise to this day. whenever we deny something true to ourselves we suppress it and try to ignore it. but no matter how good you are at suppression (and believe me you're not as good as me), these things will eventually pop up. they will never go away.

at first, we suppress to protect ourselves (is it me or is "suppress" starting to look weird?). i think at this point it is perfectly natural; to deny our own feelings in our mind, to pretend they dont exist. but eventually, admitting to yourself what you feel won't seem so bad, and you having done that you can start to get over whatever was bothering you in the first place.

i've gotten really good at the admit-move on thing...im also quite fast (maybe too fast?). when we are children we are full of wonder - for the outside world, for other people, for everything really. when we get older we somehow come to dread wonder, to dread uncertainty. why is that? when we were children, i think we can all agree, life was easier. i have already determined that one reason for this is that children are more straightforward and simple-minded, and cut through the chase (so to speak) when dealing with their problems. another obvious reason is that we dont have bills or jobs...but i think when it comes to personal relationships money, bills, and jobs dont really play a part in making things difficult

so i think i have another reason as to why childhood was easier...we were okay with wondering. we were ok with not knowing the truth, sometimes we even pretended what the truth may be, as long as it suited us. what happened to that? when we grow up into adulthood we become so mature and smart...but do we really know everything?? we certainly do not...so i think it would be okay for us to wonder a little bit

we never know what someone else is thinking about us, and i have had so many sleepless nights trying to figure it out. but i never can, and i never will. so i decided i will just wonder - but not with the dreadful feeling of "oh god everyone hates me," but in a childish way, in a way where everything suits me to a T. after all, i cant change what someone thinks, and knowing what they feel isnt going to make it any easier on me.

i guess being an adult isn't necessarily being wise. maybe we can take a lesson from all those kids after all..maybe they're the ones who should be teaching us, about simplicity at least.

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[13 Nov 2008|10:53pm]
[ mood | thinking, wishing, hoping... ]

since my computer crashed last month i replaced it with a new one and all of my backed up entries have disappeared...so i sat down today to the painstacking task of copying and pasting all my jounral entries into a word document

what have i discovered?

the more things change the more they stay the same

and of course you must know that if i write it is because of a guy...so i realized that over the past 4-5 years not a single guy i liked has actually worked out for me. so at this point i would do anything to figure out what is the underlying problem here.

i used to think it has something to do with them, and most of the time that does come off as the reason, some of them lie, some cheat...but someone once game me some advice, if you got a problem, look at home for the answer. so here i am

if you read this, tell me what is wrong with me

i used to think one of my greatest gifts was the ability to get vibes from people, read others, and understand what they're thinking without them saying anything. maybe this is the problem? perhaps i just assume too much, or i analyze too much. but all those things aside, it still doesnt solve my problem of WHY NOT?

this time, i thought for sure it is going to go great. i would not fuck this up for the life of me. but im back in square one...completely clueless as to what is going on, why he is not talking to me, and what i did, and why (most importantly) he suddenly stopped liking someone he initially (or allegedly, if i may) thought was cool

its gotta be me...but things just dont add up. it cannot be possible that this is happening to everyone, i really think i got the raw end of the deal here. and i dont believe that anyone can be that good of an actor to fool me, a seasoned lied-cheated-and-mistreated person of the day.

i think this is the last straw in the hat for me. i have got to know what is so horrible about me. but the thing is noone will tell me. i would do this for others..if someone were to ask me for honesty thats what they would get (mind you, they wouldnt even have to ask to receive it). if anyone reads this, can i suggest, the most amazing, endearing, useful, admirable, powerful quality you have is honesty. use it

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[07 Sep 2008|01:29pm]
[ mood | pensive ]

I am an old woman named after my mother
My old man is another child thats grown old
If dreams were lightning thunder was desire
This old house would have burnt down a long time ago

Make me an angel that flies from montgomry
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go


When I was a young girl well, I had me a cowboy
He werent much to look at, just free rambling man
But that was a long time and no matter how I try
The years just flow by like a broken down dam.

Make me an angel that flies from montgomry
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go


Theres flies in the kitchen I can hear em there buzzing
And I aint done nothing since I woke up today.
How the hell can a person go to work in the morning
And come home in the evening and have nothing to say

Make me an angel that flies from montgomry
Make me a poster of an old rodeo
Just give me one thing that I can hold on to
To believe in this living is just a hard way to go



read it a few times before you get it...
♥ dar

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[15 Jan 2008|11:44am]
[ mood | resourceful ]

im tired of seeing all those "dress for less," "get this look for less" articles that suggest you buy crap polyester from forever 21. in my opinion, there is no substitute for high quality designer/better clothing. being a fashion student i know first hand how to see quality and know that good quality is unsurpassed. so i decided to make my own list of how you can save on everyday things so that you can have that lanvin blouse or those chanel boots..(ok the chanel boots are a stretch, they can go as high as five grand)

- drink your morning coffee at home..waking up 15 minutes earlier is free and a large pack of coffee will cost about four bucks..compare that to four bucks a cup at starbucks

- dont drink alcohol. you might be surprised, but my age group (18-24) spends most of their money on alcohol (ok i know, you're not that surprised). drinks on friday and saturday nights cost as much as twenty dollars per cocktail. add that to a round for your friends, club entrance fees and tips, and you can spend a hundred bucks a night. skip a few of those nights and you have a nanette lapore dress

- now that you're staying sober, you can save another fifty or so bucks on taking a cab. besides we know alcohol is detrimental to your health (and social status). you can also have yourself quite a laugh watching your friends scamper around drunk.

- dry cleaning can add up a bit as well. this is not something to be messed with! if you have clothes made of cotton or rayon you can wash them in the machine. but make sure they have no decorations or design elements that will de destroyed by heat. the best bet is to get those dry clean in your machine bags. also, washing things by hand can avoid shrinking or damage. im ambivalent about this one, however. dont blame me if it backfires!

- shop vintage designer stores (wasteland), sales (nordstrom's half yearly, bloomingdale's card discounts), sample sales (find out from the newspaper when they will be held, usually twice a year in downtown la/ny). sample sales are a great way to get designer clothing for 80-90% off and get them before they hit the stores.

- i always say, you cant save money on food. you cant save money on your health. however, if you like a certain rib eye steak, ask the restaurant for the recipe, chances are they'll give it to you. and you'll have so much fun making that steak at home. its easy to get creative with food without damaging your intestines by buying expired milk at a discount at food for less.

- this is my favorite: walk! out to a local bar? walk! out for your lunch break? walk! you save twice, once on gas, and once again on a gym membership you will no longer need if you walk places. you also help eliminate damage to the environment and dispel the stereotype that americans lead a generally sedentary lifestyle.

well there you have it. if you have a job and paycheck you can have that designer wardrobe in no time. its all up to you and all up to prioritizing.

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dont keep trying to raise the dead [09 Oct 2007|12:45pm]
let it go by t.d. jakes (stolen by daria)

There are people who can walk away from you.

And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk.

I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.

When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left.

People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay.

LET THEM GO!

And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead.

You've got to know when it's dead.

You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something. I've got the gift of goodbye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in goodbye. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay.

LET THEM GO!

If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never intended for your life, then you need to...

LET THEM GO!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...

LET THEM GO!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your worth...

LET THEM GO!

If someone has angered you...

LET THEM GO!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge...

LET THEM GO!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...

LET THEM GO!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or talents...

LET THEM GO!

If you have a bad attitude...

LET THEM GO!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...

LET THEM GO!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship.......

LET THEM GO!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help themselves...

LET THEM GO!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed...

LET THEM GO!

Get Right or Get Left, think about it, and then...

LET THEM GO!
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happy (??) september 11th [11 Sep 2007|10:03pm]
[ mood | determined ]

im not one for worthless sentiments..so i'll just cut straight to the chase. 6 years after the day, the major social issue facing america today is diffusion of responsibility. diffusion of responsibility is a psychological phenomenon that states: if there is one person to witness a crime, the victim is more likely to be helped than if five people are around. the reason for this being, responsibility diffuses when multiple individuals are present, each believing the other will do something about it. this matter applies to all issues facing our nation today, from environmental problems, to foreign affairs. one such foreign affair demonstrates diffusion of responsibility perfectly: darfur.

why do americans think genocide in darfur doesn't affect them? probably because it is in africa, and americans have been told over and over again to mind their own business, so they do. but this isnt a matter of oil or something else for the common "good," this is genocide...recognized by every important organization as such an atrocity. this probably means we should step forward and do something.

i have met a skinhead neo nazi guy who i asked what he plans on doing once they get rid of all the people they dont want..he said we go after people with brown eyes. although only joking, every joke has its truth. what makes you think that after genocide in africa is done, we are not next? genocide is ethnic cleansing - getting rid of an ethnicity you feel is inferior. but it cannot end there..because in a fascist mentality EVERYONE is inferior. a fascist is someone who believes their race is the best (not a nazi who believes in a pure white race - i call it the brown people's racism).

for the sake of this conversation, when i refer to white people i am talking about americans. although i am white i prefer to not be shoved under the cracka shovel right off the bat. perhaps the biggest issue we are dealing with in trying to unify ourselves on the grounds of good is race. race dictates everything in our lives, the way we walk, talk, what food we eat, what music we listen to, what clothes we wear, (shamefully) who our friends are. if we deviate from these dictations we are wannabe's. i have never encountered such blatant racism behind the facade of "integration." lets keep all these people separate to make sure they never forget (and never overcome) all the suffering and set backs they have encountered at the hands of racism.

sadly, the only thing the civil rights movement has succeeded in is getting all the racist sayings off the paper, off the walls, and off the tongues...they have not gotten them out of the minds of the people. the reason for this is because we are still willingly segregated. maybe the whole act of integration was just for the sake of having equality, but not for the sake of living together and being a NATION. something we would be very proud to have (i think). if we live together as americans, not separate as a "culture" or "heritage" we will avoid the racism seen in a white girl making her boyfriend fried chicken for dinner. we wont encounter the racism of picking the extremely difficult (for me) bubble we use to mark everything that is needed to know about us. paul rusesabagina..the man who pretty much single handedly saved so many rwandans from being slaughtered by members of his own ethnic group is a perfect idol for people like us. he even manages to smile and appear happy after witnessing such a debacle unfold in front of his eyes. before we can do anything to help anyone we need to join together. if there are people out there who actually believe we should all stick to "our own," we got a cold winter up ahead.

whatever race, religion, ethnic group, or anything you belong to, you are a member of the human race first and foremost. when your brothers and sisters suffer..from all over the world you have to come to their rescue. the world stood back and let our family suffer once (armenia), twice (holocaust), three times (anywhere in africa). how many more times are you going to stand back and watch? until they come to get you...and noone is left to stick up for you.

many believe it is in human nature to hate...if we were all born the same, they say, by lunch time we would find something to discriminate about. discrimination = making a distinction in favor of or against a person or thing based on the group, class, or category to which that person or thing belongs rather than on individual merit (webster). this is the most immature of all types of hate. instead of finding something about that person that you really dislike (individual merit) why not take the easy way out and pick on something you can see (group, class, race, etc). maybe before we can all come together in unity we need to get a little smarter.

when us green people get together and drink our little lemon grass juices, we always talk about how the earth is throwing thing after thing at us and making us aware that we are not infinite. natural disasters, katrina, tsunamis, fires, earthquakes, etc. all make us aware (or should make us aware) that we are not going to be here forever. she has created aids, cancer, and a myriad of other diseases to keep us in check.

im really tempted to argue religion right now. to say that if darwin is right we are sophisticated monkeys...well to say jesus is right we should kill our neighbor who is not a follower of christ. do you people honestly think a GOD, a creator of EVERYTHING..could say kill my other children who are not believers of me? hell no..he would never say that. the only true creator, something we can see and feel and understand is the earth..when we spit in her face and throw away what she gave us and say "its ok i got the technology to fix it" she is pissed. no god can ever stand up to the power of mother nature. she gave it all, she will take it all away if we want. and when she is pissed...we know it.

what is the number one killer of all people? religion. jesus, ladies and gentlemen, has killed more people than anything our REAL creator, mother earth, can come up with. never underestimate the power of ideology and the human mind. our ideas, our beliefs, are what has given the power to pick up guns and kill. if we can believe in something so strongly that we will kill for it, why not believe in something good, something real, something we can see and feel...like the suffering of our brothers and sisters all over the world. and stand up for THIS, not for magical jesus, or allah, or some other guy created as a (excellent) device of control of the people.

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nao chore meu amor tudo vai melhorar... [04 Sep 2007|01:23pm]
eh jeito moleque..acho que essa cancao eh original de fabio..junior..quem..?? nao lembro dele nome..mas versao do jeito moleque eh um pouco diferente, ele diz "choro por tudo que a gente nao realizou" e versao de fabio (??) eh como "choro por tudo gue a gente (sim) realizou"

porque voce vai chorar por tudo que voces realizou?? eh bom, nao...entao jeito moleque sao melhor:

Tem hora que bate
Uma tristeza tão grande
Que eu não sei o que fazer
E nem pra onde ir
É tanta coisa
Que eu queria dizer
Mas não tem ninguém pra ouvir

Então choro ... sem ninguém ver ...
Eu choro ... choro ...

Faço o possível pra segurar a cabeça
Mas a emoção não quer
Que eu me desfaça
Ou então que eu esqueça
Do amor daquela mulher


E eu choro ... Sem ela saber
Eu choro ... choro ...

Choro por tudo
Que a gente não teve
Por tudo que a gente não realizou
Choro porque eu sei que ainda te amo
E você me amou e ama
Choro por tudo
Se assim for preciso
Choro porque eu sei que ainda te quero
Choro por tudo
E por tudo lhe digo
Te quero, te espero ...

Choro por tudo
Que a gente não teve
Por tudo que a gente não realizou
Choro porque eu sei que ainda te amo
E você me amou e ama
Choro por tudo
Se assim for preciso
Choro porque eu sei que ainda te quero
Choro por tudo
E por tudo lhe digo
Te quero, te espero
Te amo
Eu choro ...

por os gringos..um pouco:

i cry..for everything that we didnt have, for everything that we didnt realize
i cry..because i know i still love you
and you loved me..and love me
i cry..for everything, if that will be necessary
i cry..because i know i still want you

im not babelfish..dont use it, its rude, the translation came from my brain

eu odeio quando as caricas diga pra mim que nao estou verdade...eu nao tenho accento carioca..se foda losers

this is in portuguese cuz i dont want some people to read this..and i will purposely make spelling mistakes so dont try to internet translate this

dele nome seria...jeito moleque..acho que ele vai ser irritado comigo sobre isso porque ele EH um jeito moleque, um pouco, quando ele morou na africa...e quando ele chegou aki em nova yourke

mas agora ele eh soh pra mim..eu conhecei de ele na rua, eu fui carregando, e ele foi caminhando. quando meus olhos ficaram de frente para seus, o tempo parou (lembra? eh natiruts). eh que aconteceu..e quando eu chegei na minha casinha eu fui no myspace enviando um mensagem para ele. ele reponde e me diz que foi ELE!! e quero me ver a novo..voces sabem quando um rapper tao famoso diz quero te ver..voce VAIII!!

outra cancao do natiruts eh perfeito aki..lembro que te vi caminhar...ja havia um brilho no olhaaarrr..e junto com um sorriso seu, teu olhar vem de encontrou ao meu..e meu diz se fez mais feliz...etc. ah delsculpa essa eh de EDU RIBEIRO (gato belezo) e banda cativeiro..hein

ele mora longe de mim, mas vai voltar aki a logo logo porfavorrrr...entao nos vamos casar, eh verdade, quer saber porque..porque dela piroca eh tudo que preciso..e tudo que eu procurei

BRINCANDO..jesus..desejo que voce nao achou que estou serio..mas to serio que a gente vai casar a logo..vigia, aconteceria...

the rest as they say is history...forget that last paragraph i just had to get it out..the most important is the song.
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go ask daria [09 Aug 2007|10:39pm]
[ mood | suuuucks ]

is a 90 page word document with 1 inch margins of everything that i have ever written in my life.

that one sentence kinda freaked me out

my whole life summed up in 90 pages and most of it serious recollections of the past and my attempts to understand the world. i wonder if people ever really appreciate someone who thinks. people who are not crazy either. most of the time i write when im upset over some guy. i really should be upset more because its that state of mind that causes me to think about all sorts of stuff like world affairs etc.

i wonder when enough is enough with the fellas tho..come on seriously. guys have been driving me insane allllll the time. so i decided to face this issue head on.

what makes me madder than anything is when a guy i like doesnt like me back.

hahahaha this was a good one.

but heres the tricky part..he doesnt let me know that he doesnt like me, he just kinda eh shady-fies. not cool guys. seriously everyone would appreciate some honesty along the lines of stop calling me i really am no longer interested. i really dont wanna dwell on you either, just set me straight.

its amazing how men think we're such drama queens. and i know i have written previous entries describing some emotional wrecks of men as well. are we really creating the drama in our lives? i mean i dont usually call, talk about feelings, or demand anything (well i do demand attention im an only child). but for some reason i do when im confused, i just want answers. but if we ask the question, if we HAVE to ask it, is it safe to assume the answer is bad...

this leads to my next point...would you rather be dating/involved with/blah blah a guy you really like that doesnt like you as much, OR a guy that likes you a lot but you dont like very much? of course neither, but if you really think about it are people who are together so much in sync and so on the same page that they both fell in love simultaneously (like on the same day) and their relationship was fine and dandy after that? probably not. if in a tug of war both teams stand still holding the rope nothing happens. someone has to pull.

so the person who pulls is a drama queen.

hell ill take being the drama queen than the creep who just stands there looking at the other person.

im always involved with guys that like me more than i like them (much more). sometimes i dislike them actually, to a point that makes me naseous. i decided that i would rather be alone than with a guy like that. but in the grand scheme of things i dont wanna be alone. i guess its when i dont care, when nothing is at stake that i really can be myself. and myself is pretty fuckin attractive.

just as i am unattracted to guys who like me a lot, i am attracted to guys who dont. and i realllyyyyyy wanna think that he likes me, just not in the desparation way of some of the others. but how much is too much. eu sou brasileira, e nao desisto nunca (everyone knows i dont give up). when is a good time to give up though...like i will seriously only give up when i am personally done.

i miss the honesty of when we were young. we would see each other playing in the sandbox and say hi im bobby lets be friends. and now that we are grown up with the lessons of life, experience, and all these amazing tools at our finger tips, we stop being that way. did life really teach us to be closed up and secretive. after all the heartbreak and crap we put up with in OUR WHOLE 20 YEARS of life...what we ulitmately learned is to become more self destructive. to shut ourselves off from each other and lose sleep at night thinking 'what is he thinking' when we could just ask

if you have a little sister/cousin/child of your own, ask them what you should do with your next big problem..you might be blown away by how simple the solution. so simple you didnt even consider it.

after all of this i really wanna call you up and ask all my questions. but mainly i want you to say something (without being prompted) that would make everything go away. i guess the only question (the 'always' question) is why am i feeling this way. and tell me the answer, just try..see if you can figure it out. hint: its not cuz im crazy (although i am completely insane, it is not the answer right now)

our professor today gave us an inclass assignment that we all didnt know how to do. so he said, yesterday you didnt ask questions so i assumed you understood. how come when we dont get math or chemistry we ask 'what in the holy hell is happening here' but when its something to do with friendship or any other kind of ship, we cant ask it. we're just as confused, maybe even more. seriously relationships 101 is harder than all the upper division stuff i've ever taken (including apparel analysis and lab - oooooooh damn)

im not gonna give an ode to the nice guys..its not that you're nice or not nice or whatever, we're just not attracted to you. you cannot win a girl over, if you're her friend thats all you're gonna be, move on find someone else. you cant change people, fall in love with someone who is perfect the way they are and dont get in relationships with people you dont wanna be with. the reason everybody has a boyfriend is because everybody has a boyfriend. everybody thinks that everybody has a boyfriend. do you think all those people walking around college holding hands love each other? i think they cant stand each other, they're holding hands but its like rigamortid arthritis...seriously out of all the people we know 10 are married or in relationships and we think EVERYONE has a boyfriend. you dont sit around with your single friends thinking gooshh look at all the available single people

i dont wanna sit there and think why doesnt he call, when he might be sitting there thinking the same thing. one of us has to be the mature one (or childish one, it might be better) and take a risk, we all say this to each other, just calllll him, just aaaaaask. and we ALL would appreciate the honesty...so why cant we just do it for ourselves?

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culturally speaking... [29 Jul 2007|07:32pm]
iiiiiii come from a high context culture...US is a low context culture

in high context culture people pay more attetion to HOW something is said versus WHAT is said. in low context cultures people pay more attention to WHAT is said rather than HOW the person said it. seems simple enough, eh?? nooooot.

actually it is the reason i have had so many communication problems in my life. not only do i expect people to pay more attention to how i say things, i pay more attention to the way someone says something as well. its causing problems when the person i talked to really meant what they said, not necessarily the way they said it.

in high context cultures it is impolite to say no, so we say yes in a way that would give the person we're talking to the idea that we dont wanna do whatever it is they want. if the person is from a high context culture as well, he/she will understand. but i live in the us, and i learned the hard way that a "wrongly intended" yes is still a yes. i appreciate this about america, but i still cannot get used to the fact that what i say ways so heavily, more heavily than the way i say it.

i know we all had this moment when talking to (especially guys) people. "its not what he said, its HOW he said it." well the natural response is but what did he say? was it in sync with how he said it? if not, in america you're better off going with WHAT he said. where im from i would have gone with HOW he said it, but its not an issue out here.

this is good, but people need to keep in mind the power of their words. its very big out here, and i hate when people say something they dont mean. because to people from high context cultures who will NEVER be used to this change in communication, WHAT you said (in america) means it is THE WORD OF GOD.

literally.

when someone tells me they like me, i think it means they like me. in america or any other country, but in us i dont pay attention to how he said it, especially with the introduction of technology. in text messaging you cannot afford to say something you dont mean, because there is no possible way for the other person to read your body language or see how you said it. so naturally i become confused when the aforeto mentioned person starts being weird.

what i really miss is the straightforwardness (longest word ever). people think it is so weird when people just tell it like it is. and i've realized something, its not that people dont like to talk about feelings, they dont like to talk about them when they are different from the person's who wants to talk about them. it is obvious, they dont wanna talk about some crap that they dont really feel, and its hard to be mean.

if you know me, in relationships and with strangers im very honest and straigh up. if i wanna know something i ask, im not scared. what im scared of is how people might react. i dont know if this is the low context culture aspect, or just american culture. i think people get a little anxious when i ask them a question that requires an honest answer. is it because they think their answer is not what i want to hear? maybe. but how do you know what i want to hear? some guys think if i ask them if they like me, they should say yes, because its OBVIOUSLY what i want to hear. but is it really you conceited freak?? maybe not. if i say i want the truth than THAT is what you should tell me.

i find that if you give people some "drama" or whatever, and they handle it (not start ignoring you) that is the person to hold on to. because they're willing to put up with it. something needs to be said tho, wanting a simple honest yes or no question is not drama, just answer it. you create more drama in your life when you start uncomfrotably dodging a question that is very simply answered.

another thing not found in low context culture is eye contact and touching. these two things are so strangely related i cannot even being to asses them. in high context, we stare into each others eyes, stand super close and always touch. in the us eye contact is important but you cant touch other people (yet another thing i learned the hard way). they get the wrong idea, all the time.

all of this said, i really miss the person i was. before i was forced to conform to some ways. before college probably. i miss being straight forward. and i think im gonna go back to being the way i was. bob marley said "now i know, love is a guessing game"

NO! as much as i love bob i hate that line. its not a guessing game, at least not if you dont want it to be. im tired of guessing/hoping/thinking. my brain feels like it will explode. now i just have to have the guts to do it. but i think with time i can come back to the person i was. and maybe "he" is the right person to start this with, since my first bout of drama really pushed him into doing something right haha. im not that bad after all..queen dee still got it.
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[05 Jul 2007|12:52pm]
this is 100% great...dont get any ideas


dont watch if you're uncomfortable with others' sexuality







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[26 Jun 2007|09:36pm]
In spite of everything I still believe that people are really good at heart. I simply can't build up my hopes on a foundation consisting of confusion, misery and death.

The life I touch for good or ill will touch another life, and that in turn another, until who knows where the trembling stops or in what far place my touch will be felt.

The bottom line is that people are never perfect, but love can be, that is the one and only way that the mediocre and vile can be transformed, and doing that makes it that. We waste time looking for the perfect lover, instead of creating the perfect love.

~ Akila Barrett
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[26 Jun 2007|02:54pm]
"Fica comigo
Me faz sonhar
Sem teu carinho não posso ficar
Fica comigo
Quero dizer
Apaixonado
Eu estou por você"

thats all i have to say...
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[23 Jun 2007|02:23pm]
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY GOOD MEN I HAVE LOST TO NEW YORK!?!?!? YOU HAVE NO IDEA!! AND ITS GONNA HAPPEN AGAIN
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[23 Jun 2007|01:08pm]
[ mood | horny ]

i read some of the past entries and decided that DAMN!! im soooo bitter!! what the hell is my problem?? life is beautiful

maybe its because im in loooove!! but dont worry i have not betrayed you my faithful readers - this romance is not working out in my favor...yet

for those of you that i have talked to in the past few weeks know who im talking about...hes gorgeous!! tall dark and handsome..kind of reminiscent of what a true greek god would look like (depending on how conceited he is ive already said too much).

i dont know if i shared this with anyone but there is a type of guy who wears tight pants and dress shirts tucked into the front showing off some ridiculous belt buckle..its disturbing (you all know this guy at the clubs and stuff). HE CAN PULL THIS OFF...he looks soo good it makes me wanna commit crimes which i will not disclose.

but i think i fucked it up be sleeping with someone else...not like THAT..and THAT did not and will not ever happen trust me

i need to stop talking im gonna get in trouble...i hate element, the floor (and myself) were covered in liquor for most of the night.

i looove hands..guys with nice hands make me SCREAM, especially him...well hes perfect what can i say

the reason this isnt working is because SOMEONE keeps tagging along, i just want him alone for once. i hate this double team bullshit i thought guys didnt go in pairs. but whatever as long as i get to see him..and also i will never be drunk enough to make the first move on him cuz he's just too much - or as we say in the homeland - e demaissssss..ai meu deusss

no english words even can sum it up, im losing my freakin mind here...but im glad im not pissed off or sad or trippin. get the good vibes out there. today im gonna collect major karma points and hopefully it pays off..with HIMMMM..naked..covered in - ok i'll stop

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[18 Jun 2007|11:08am]
by the way that previous entry was for ALEX..not MARK or MIKE or whoever the fuck you think you are
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[11 Jun 2007|02:35pm]
i dont know if anyone actually reads this...but if YOU read this hopefully you can figure out who you are. it sucks that things ended the way they did, and im sad i didnt get to see you before you left. i dont know if you were for real, but just in case..you should know that i wasnt trying to avoid you. i think it could have been really great, but theres about 46 states between us and i wondered if it was worth it. during the time i spent with you i kept trying to find something to make you an asshole, so i would have some excuse not to like you when you left. but truth is, you're one of the best guys i have ever met..and you should never change. you deserve the best, be happy
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think think think [23 May 2007|01:10pm]
this is from the lovely ladies of revolution bus!!   no matter who you are it is important that you read this...

~thank you Neo-V

By James Arthur Ray


No matter what your dreams, intentions, goals or life plans, you will need a tremendous amount of power to accomplish them. In fact, it's going to require more power than you currently have at this time.

How I do I know that you need more? If you haven't attained all you desire, you haven't yet developed enough power to do so. But you absolutely can develop this power—and scientific findings prove it.

Radical Idea #1: Zero Point Field

Science claims that we live in a "vibrational" universe. Everything is made of vibrating light, aka energy. What appears to be static and solid is actually pulsing light. This light emanates from an ultimate field of energy known by many names. Theologians use the term God; scientists call it the quantum hologram, plenum, or zero point field. This field is 99.99999 percent light and there's enough power in one cubic meter of the zero point field to boil every ocean on our planet.

Everything originates from this zero point field, your body, a $100 bill, a stone; and, when viewed at the quantum level, is comprised of the same light energy, differing only in rate of vibration, density, and quantity.

Radical Idea #2: DNA and Light

Vladimir Poponin, molecular biologist from the International Space Sciences Organization, conducted research with human DNA (your genetic coding). Poponin placed human DNA into a test tube and created a vacuum to determine whether it would affect particles of light energy. Light in the vacuum tube created wave patterns around the DNA. But more interesting, when DNA was removed from the vacuum tube, the light didn't return to its previous random pattern. It maintained the same wave patterns. The DNA had produced a lasting influence on the energy in the tube. How does this relate to your life, your dreams, your goals? If your DNA, your genetic coding, has a direct effect upon light energy of which every single thing in this universe is comprised, then your DNA affects everything around you.

Radical Idea #3: DNA Emissions

Harold Burr, neuroanatomist at Yale, showed that all living entities emit electromagnetic fields. According to Burr's findings, the greater the consciousness of the living entity, the greater the transmission and reception. Taking this a step further, Fritz Albert Popp, theoretical biophysicist from Germany, discovered that the DNA of every plant, animal, and human emits biophotons (light) in microscopic amounts.

Radical Idea #4: Positive Energy

The HeartMath Institute, foremost authority on the study of the heart, proved that the human heart projects a field of energy from five to 50 feet beyond its body. Other HeartMath studies reveal that quantum fields—those same electromagnetic fields and biophotons we each emit—affect our neurological and immunological functions at the cellular level, influencing both intellect and health.

Researchers stressed human DNA by heating it, then had people generate beneficial heart energy (positive emotions such as love, joy, gratitude, peace) onto the DNA. The DNA receiving positive energy not only recovered faster, but absorbed measurably more light than the DNA samples that weren't given positive energy.

Putting the Pieces Together

So let's put it together. According to HeartMath and Burr, the more positive energy our DNA receives—the more we experience gratitude, love, joy, abundance, enthusiasm—the more our DNA can absorb and transmit light. And what do we know about light? Every single thing in our universe is comprised of it. Everything around and within us is vibration, and the vibration you put into the field is calling and attracting similar vibrations. Everything you have in your life is your own creation.

Your thoughts and feelings have a direct impact on the world—especially on your world. Everything you think and feel creates a biochemical change inside your body, and impacts the world around you.

Unconscious Failure, Conscious Success

What have you created in your life? Most actions and results in life are created unconsciously via your internal blueprint. To know what this blueprint says, look at your results and listen to your dominant thoughts. Are they about lack, what you do not want?

Until you change your unconscious blueprint, you'll never change your life or your results, because every single feeling and vibration and thought is affecting your DNA, which is affecting your light potential, which is attracting and creating results into your life. If you want more in your life, you have to increase your vibration and light potential—period.

How? Through your feelings. Feelings and emotions are complementary but not the same. For example, when you experience the emotion of love, you also get a feeling in your body—heart rate increase, endorphin rush, sweaty palms. This feeling is the vibrational change in your body. In this universe of vibration, feeling is the key.

The more you expose your DNA to positive energy (thoughts, feelings, and emotions), the more light you possess and control in your life and the more control you have over your entire world. If you understand this, you've just received the keys to the universe. Your consistent thoughts, feelings, and emotions control your DNA—and your DNA controls your universe.

So how to transform our internal blueprint?

First, sit down and define what you desire in five key areas: financial, relational, intellectual, physical, and spiritual. Make them specific, clear and measurable.

Second, keep your consistent attention upon those intentions, regardless of what's currently happening in your world.

Third, wake up every morning and go list the things for which you're grateful. Monitor your emotions and feelings throughout your day. If you feel tense and uptight, know that your DNA is shifting and shutting you off from the abundant flow of the universe. When you feel inspired, grateful and enthusiastic, the light of the universe (in all of its forms) is rushing towards you in ever increasing quantities.

Fourth, take action…bold and immediate towards your intentions. Fate favors the bold…but if you don't yet have the courage for "bold," then go as big as you're able while still feeling good.

Finally, monitor your feelings and the results around you. Don't be angry or upset at less desirable results (shutting yourself off from the flow). Instead, ask yourself, "How did I think, feel, and act to create this in my life?" "How must I think, feel, and act to create what I deserve?"

When you practice these five actions, you put your amazing power into motion—and you'll realize that there really are no limits other than the limits you place upon yourself. Move forward in joy and enthusiasm.

-- this would probably explain my long existing theory that all illnesses, diseases, etc (especially depression, stomach ulcers) are a direct result of our thoughts and feelings.  your brain controls your body, you think you're sick, you get sick.  life can be hard, dont make it anymore difficult on yourself!!  do what you've always wanted, what have you got to lose?  always rememeber fate favors the bold..JUST DO IT!!  (thanks nike)
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